Furious but don’t want to make a situation worse? Stay Cool!

Calm, Cool and Collected.

If you’ve ever been furious about something — at work or elsewhere — you’ve likely been told to stay “calm, cool, and collected.” Great advice — but not always easy to do. In the world of leadership and emotional intelligence the equivalent advice would be to seek always to be self-aware and self regulate! However stated, the advice is sound — leaders need to stay personally cool, calm, and collected when under pressure because doing otherwise often leads to unproductive outcomes.

Certainly no one would disagree. Who hasn’t lost an argument, been a poor role model, or missed an important business opportunity because of “telling it like it is,” “being straight forward,” or giving any other excuse for “losing one’s cool?” This speaks to the difficulty of staying calm when angry. It’s biology. We are wired to fight or flee — and our job is to minimize that essentially automatic response through awareness and then regulation.

Here’s a quick reminder of the biology and psychology behind what we’re talking about.

What Is the Fight-or Flight Response?

When you reflect for a moment, the importance of self awareness and self regulation becomes even clearer. If you are not aware of what you are both thinking and feeling, and you are not the best at self regulating once you are aware, you will not be able to apply the Universal Law of Effective Behavior (we made the title up but appreciating this “Universal Law” is critical. Memorize it!)

https://youtu.be/7-gZ_3L1wkQ

The Universal Law of Effective Behavior

Begin with the end in mind. Once you know WHAT you want to achieve (desired outcomes), all you have to do is execute the behavioral strategy proven to make it happen.

Want to Put the Universal Law of Effective Behavior into Practice?
Here are a few examples . . .

Situation:

Un-regulated Response

Desired Outcome

Behavioral Strategy

Failing Team

Yell

Successful team.

Yelling isn’t going to work. Listening to the barriers preventing work from being done and helping eliminate them will.

Uncooperative employee

Threaten

High performance employee.

Threatening isn’t going to work. Ask the person to “say more” about the situation and share with you what they think should be done to move forward.

People don’t understand what you’re saying.

Shout

Complete comprehension.

Saying it louder isn’t going to work. Fun aside –think of yourself in a country whose language you don’t speak. How many of us have said words LOUDER as if that is going to make someone get what they obviously do not get? Remember that when you are considering raising your voice at work!Instead, try this: work to develop a mutual understanding or seek to develop a common definition of the problem. Keep this approach in mind when you are tempted to raise your voice at work.

Ok you say — but how do I know what to do at work to get what I want accomplished all the time? Actually, that’s the easy part. The answers are all around you — in QwipTips and in thousands of great resources on leadership. In fact, we believe you likely know what the most effective behavior in most situations is, it is the self awareness/self regulation that trips you up!

The more your capacity to reflect on yourself, and then calm yourself, the more able you will be to apply the Universal Law of Effective Behavior. That application of the UL of EB dear leaders is what will really make you cool! So here’s our final advice . . .

Know your buttons. Don’t react when they are pressed.
Prepare emotionally when dealing with people who you find particularly annoying.
Stop making everything about you — it absolutely positively is not.
Stay present in the moment — everything passes.
Remind yourself before you start any negotiation, feedback session, performance review, performance results review of what your “end in mind is.” This awareness helps prevent just “reacting without thinking.”
Stop being defensive — not defensive? Ask around to make sure.
Remind yourself daily how you react to those who lose it — to leaders who seem to blame others, lose their cool, carry on as if the world was coming to an end — don’t do likewise. Stay cool.

Additional Insights . . .

Videos

This life and work coach has a very soft and yet direct and helpful series of videos on self awareness and self regulation. Linda Ferguson, who models cool and calm herself, is worth a look to improve both your self awareness and your self regulation. Watching them guarantees you will stay cooler than usual.

Self Regulation and Emotional Intelligence — Part 1

Self Regulation and Emotional Intelligence — Part 2

Additional Reading

So many leadership articles and books talk about the need for staying calm in the face of the storm. For most leaders, we think those are good reads, but what might even help more is taking care of your stress which helps with both self-awareness and self- regulation.

Here’s an interesting book on stress at its most extreme and how to deal with it as a leader — written by a pilot who was told to “divert” on September 11, 2001

Scrambled: The secrets of leadership under extreme pressure that I used on September 11, 2001 and how you can use them in business, life and combat

Here’s the more “zen” approach . . .

The SEVEN KEYS TO CALM: Essential Steps for Staying Calm Under Any Circumstances

Either book will get you where you need to be. Now for a lesson is self-awareness: Why did you choose one or the other titles first? This ought to tell you something about yourself and how you both react and make decisions. Your self-awareness is already rising!